It’s rare for us to be given a glimpse of a general with his family behind the scenes, rather than as a tough commander. Fortunately, history has left us a book that shows us R. E. Lee, the father. His youngest son, Robert Edward Lee Jr., “Rob”, published a book called Recollections and Letters of General Robert E. Lee.[1] I highly recommend it.
Recollections is really about Lee, the father, husband…and general. R. E. Lee married Mary Ann Randolph Custis in 1831. The couple welcomed seven children: George Washington Custis, “Boo or Custis,” b. 1832, Mary Custis, b. 1835, William Henry Fitzhugh, “Rooney,” b. 1837, Anne Carter, “Annie,” b. 1839, Agnes, b. 1841, Robert Edward Jr., “Rob,” b. 1843, and Mildred, b. 1846. Here are a couple of my favorite stories of Lee, the father.[2]
Apparently, the great R. E. Lee, as a 30-something father, loved tickle fights with his younger children. I know! You won’t picture him the same after that revelation. Rob remembered his father “was always bright and gay with us little folk romping playing and joking with us.” He “was very fond of having his hands tickled and what was still more curious it pleased and delighted him to take off his slippers and place his feet in our laps in order to have them tickled.” Okay, it’s more of a tickle capitulation game, but still…
With the older boys, all kinds of sports were a big deal. Lee got right in there with them and showed off his athletic ability. One was a high jump competition. He would challenge his sons and their friends. It wasn’t recorded how high Lee could jump or if he beat the older boys. He most likely participated in some wrestling, foot races, and fishing with the older sons, but these events weren’t recorded.
The family pets also were a big part of the Lee bonding. While Capt, Lee was stationed at Fort Hamilton, New York, around the early 1840s, he rescued a dog and welcomed her into his large family. He named her “Dart.” Turned out, this pup was a good ratter along with one of the family’s cats. This Maltese cat and Dart ate out of the same plate. Yes, the cat ate first, and Dart patiently waited her turn.
Dart later had a pup. The family named him “Spec.” He was a black-and-tan terrier. Lee refused to crop his tail or ears. Spec loved to go to church with the family, but when the younger children became distracted, Lee put his foot down, or so he thought. The next Sunday Lee locked Spec in a room on the second story. Well, Spec wanted to go to church. He jumped out of the second-story window, landed safely, and met his hoomans [sic] as they entered the church. Surprised, Lee appreciated his effort and allowed him into the church to the cheers of the children. Rob recalled: “My father was very fond of him [Spec] and loved to talk to him and about him as if he were really one of us.” Lee, as many know, was fond of all animals, including chickens!
But not all the memories were happy. Tragedy struck the Lees in October 1862. It was right after the Maryland Campaign. General Lee received noticed that his daughter, “Precious Annie”, had died of typhoid fever.[3] Lee collapsed and sobbed in his tent. He wrote to his wife: “I cannot express the anguish I feel at the death of our sweet Annie. To know that I shall never see her again on earth that her place in our circle which I always hoped one day to enjoy is forever vacant is agonising [sic] in the extreme.”
What most impresses me about Lee is that he didn’t stop being a father and friend to his other children after the loss of Annie. He was a great communicator. He kept writing to his daughters Mary Custis, Agnes, and Mildred and talking about Annie. He even wrote to his sons, Custis, Fitzhugh, and Rob, all who were serving the Confederacy. The letters were personal and heartwarming. On Christmas Day 1862, he wrote to his youngest, Mildred:
“But what a cruel thing is war to separate and destroy families and friends and mar the purest joys and happiness. God has granted us in this world to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbours and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world. I pray that on this day when only peace and good will are preached to mankind better thoughts may fill the hearts of our enemies and turn them to peace.”
Although he wrote as a father, Lee signed all his letters “R. E. Lee” or “Your affectionate father,” or “Your loving father,” R. E. Lee”. I’m not sure if this was a family tradition or a letter writing tradition, maybe one of the readers knows.
After the war, Lee accepted a job as the president of Washington College in Lexington, Virginia. It took some time to get a house ready for his wife and daughters. Lee wrote faithfully to his family. To Mildred he wrote:
“LEXINGTON October 29, 1865
“My Precious Life: Your nice letter gave me much pleasure and made me the more anxious to see you. I think [of] you girls, after your mother is comfortable at ‘Bremo’, will have to come up and arrange the house for reception…I do not know what you will do with your chickens unless you take them to ‘Bremo’ and thus bring them here. I suppose Robert would not eat ‘Laura Chilton’ and ‘Don Ella McKay’ [chickens]. Still less would he devour his sister Mildred. I have scarcely gotten acquainted with the young ladies. They look very nice in the walks but I rarely get near them. Traveller is my only companion; I may also say my pleasure. He and I whenever practicable wander out in the mountains and enjoy sweet confidence.”
Mary, his daughters, and Rob finally moved into a home in Lexington, Virginia. Mildred and Lee were close. She loved animals like her father, especially cats and chickens.[4] The house was always a hustle and bustle of people and pets coming and going. The family lived together until Lee passed away on October 12, 1870, with his wife and daughters by his side. Out of all his accomplishments, I think R. E. Lee would want to be remembered first as a loving, fun father, and friend.[5] Happy Father’s Day!
[1] It’s on google books. https://www.google.com/books/edition/Recollections_and_Letters_of_General_Rob/y4QZAAAAYAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=Robert+E.+Lee+Jr&printsec=frontcover. Another excellent primary resource is at Washington and Lee College, the Lee Family Archive. These are online at https://leefamilyarchive.org/history-washington-reference-echols-index/.
[2] Rob refers to Lee as “father.” It doesn’t sound like the children called him “dad” or “pop” or “papa.”
[3] Annie died at Warren White Sulphur Springs in North Carolina. In 1994, she was brought to Lexington, Virginia and laid to rest with the her family.
[4] https://www.nps.gov/arho/learn/historyculture/mildred-lee.htm.
[5] I was going to write a Father’s Day blog on R. E. Lee’s father, Henry Lee III. Then, I got to thinking. Henry wasn’t a good father. He had a lot of demons. One being he had PTSD from fighting in the American Revolution. Henry drank a lot to quiet these demons; however, the drinking compounded his other problems.
